100分悬赏，求大家帮我看看两篇雅思英语作文，一篇修改前，一篇修改后

Question

首先说下我的 雅思情况
我考了两次雅思
听力 阅读 口语 写作
6 6 6 5
6 6 6 5.5
可见两次都是写作没有6分，我申请的学校是要求均6的

给出两篇作文，题目很简单很老套的关键是找出问题所在，希望英语达人能根据两篇修改前后的文章列出我的不足，我自己愣是看了好久，总觉得修改后的还没有修改前的好，因为太简单了，改了好多巨型，但是想想自己毕竟写作没有6分。
求助帖子字数有限所以我的修改稿在补充问题里

第一篇 是我自己写的原创文章
Should children be given pocket money?
Recent years have witnessed that increasing numbers of parents tend to give their children a handsome sum of allowance. In accordance with China Daily, the majority of surveyed people illustrated that children should be given pocket money. Before presenting my view, I will explore both sides of controversial issue.

Some parents believe that their children can reap a lot of benefits from being provided pocket money. First of all, having some money can help children foster good habits of saving; if children are disciplined and budget the money accordingly, they will plan the method they want to spend through making a list. Secondly, parents provide more freedom to their children by giving money, which may help cultivate independence and develop sense of responsibility. Last but not the least, because of the pocket money, children can set goals and struggle with those, having more allowance can decrease the number of obstacles in life.

On the other hand, there still some people contending that children should not be given allowance. Firstly, someone who is focused on school work may not have allowance, for the reason that incorrectly spending ways is simply taking away too much time from studying, namely, it can cut into their studies. Secondly, children are not mature enough so that they are vulnerable to some social evils and may easily go astray. They can not distinguish right or wrong, the money may be used in playing games, gambling or even drug-taking. Thirdly, it is easy to see students comparing their allowance in school with others, which may cause psychological problems.

From above discussion, if I am asked to make a choice I would not hesitate to side with the former one. However, the parents should teach their children the money is hard-earned, and then set examples in order to give them moral guidance of how to spend money correctly.
修改稿在回答的第一个里面

Answer 1

看了你的文章,我终于明白你为什么在6分以下了.

分析一下你的优势和劣势:
你的优势:1, 能够清楚理解题目含义 ; 2, 有一定的逻辑性和良好的思维能力.
3,有一定单词量和英文基础.

你的不足: 1, 应该重点练习并熟悉英文的语句结构,和词汇用法.虽然你有一定的单词量,但是你对他们的用法还不够熟练. 例如:你首段的第一句,就是一个没有主语的重句.还有第二段第一句中的"reap",用在这里不太恰当,因为"reap"的获得是作为努力的成果而获得的,用在这里似乎词不达意.
2, 觉得你的写作方式很原创,一看就知道是你写的.呵呵.因为我个人觉得你的好多话都是你个人临场发挥的.我的建议是你平时能够多读一些文章,熟悉各种词汇和语句的用法,再把你认为经典的收藏为己用.这样久而久之,你的写作自然就有突破.
3, 论证段的语句不要太复杂,尽量简单清晰.如果太复会有很做作的感觉,反而会对论点起到反作用.我看了你的那篇被改过的文章,就好很多.看起来比较顺畅,可读性强,不蹩脚,得6分绰绰有余.你可以将其与你写的进行对比,然后用心去体会他们之间的差别和不同,逐渐改变你的写作习惯.

总之, 写作是练出来的,即使像楼上两位仁兄辛苦的替你改完,不知道对你写作的真正作用会有多大呢,至少我看不到它的效果,(声明:词话绝无冒犯他们的意思). 另外送你一句话,切忌繁冗复杂,崇尚简单明快.因为你想要的毕竟只是 6分而已 - 希望你能取得真经 :)

Answer 2

Should children be given pocket money?
Recent years has（have改为has）witnessed that increasing numbers of parents tend to give their children a handsome sum of allowance. In accordance with China Daily, the majority of surveyed people illustrated that children should be given pocket money。（原句 Before presenting。。。破坏了上下文的连贯性，省去）They believe that their children can reap a lot of benefits from （being provided在此看起来累赘，省去）the pocket money. First of all, having some money can help children foster good habits of saving。If children are disciplined and budget the money accordingly, they will plan the method they want to spend through making a list. Secondly, parents provide more freedom for（to改为for） their children by giving money, which may help cultivate their（加上their）independence and（cultivate 也可修饰 responsibilities，故省去develop sense of使句子更紧凑） responsibilities. Last but not （the省去） least, with the help of（because of改为with the help of更贴切）the pocket money, children can set up （加上up）theirs goals and struggle for them（此处with those指代不明，改为 for them，意即“为目标而奋斗”）,and（加上连词and使句子完整） having more allowance can decrease the number of obstacles in life.

On the other hand, there are（此处漏了are）still some people contending that children should not be given allowance. Firstly, someone who is focused on school work may not have allowance, for the reason that incorrectly spending ways is simply taking away too much time from study（studying改为study）, namely, it can cut into their studies. Secondly, children are not mature enough to be （有了enough，不用so that they are）vulnerable to some social evils and may easily go astray. They can not distinguish the right or the（加上the） wrong, so （加上so使句子完整）the money may be used in playing games, gambling and（or改为and）even drug-taking. Thirdly, it is easy to see students’（加上’） comparing their allowance in school with others, which may cause psychological problems.

From above discussion, if I am asked to make a choice， I will （would改为will） not hesitate to support the first view（side with the former one改为support the first view）. However, the parents should tell（teach改为tell） their children the money is hard-earned, and then set examples for them。（in order to give them moral guidance of how to spend money correctly.显得重复累赘，省去）

Answer 3

Should children be given pocket money?
Recent years (句子缺少主语）have witnessed that increasing numbers of parents tend to give their children a handsome sum of allowance. In accordance with (in accordance with 不如 according to 恰当，前者太正式了）China Daily, the majority of surveyed people illustrated （illustrated 是更详细的描述，indicated会更好）that children should be given pocket money. Before presenting my view, I will explore both sides of （少了this。没有this 或者the, 读者无法知道你说的是哪一个问题）controversial issue.

Some parents believe that their children can reap a lot of benefits (reap有收获的意思，不适用。可以直接用benefit) from being provided （少了with) pocket money. First of all, having some money can help children foster good habits of saving; if children are disciplined and budget the money accordingly, they will plan the method they want to spend through making a list. （从 “and budget”到句号句子意思不清晰，有重复。)Secondly, parents provide more freedom to their children by giving money, which may help cultivate independence and develop (少了a) sense of responsibility. Last but not the least, because of the pocket money (这里不是指特定的零用钱，所以不用the), children can set goals and struggle with (struggle多是指在困境中挣扎，不适用） those, having more allowance can decrease the number of obstacles in life.（意思表达地不对，这句话读上去像是零花钱能够帮孩子们摆平人生道路上的困难。。。）

On the other hand, there （少了动词 are) still some people contending that children should not be given allowance (这里要么用单数，an allowance；要么用双数，allowances). Firstly, someone (someone 可以指任何人，可这里你谈论的是孩子，所以应该用children) who is focused (is focused 是被动语态，而且语气太肯定了。不是所有的孩子都专心学习的，所以应该用 “should focus”--他们应该专心致志）on school work may not （may not用在这里像是“孩子可能没有零花钱”，应用 should not-- “他们不应该有零花钱） have allowance, for the reason that incorrectly spending ways is simply taking away too much time from studying（句子繁琐反而难以理解，而且单复数混淆。“taking too much time from studying”直接省略为“distract from studying”。“incorrectly”是副词，这里应该用形容词。既然用了复数的“ways”，那后面的动词也该用复数的“are”） namely, it can cut into their studies.(这句的意思与上一句相似，没必要重复。举例更适用，因为你在写论文，在大致描述一个观点之后，要举例来巩固，以及让读者能够更清楚的明白你的意思） Secondly, children are not mature enough so that they are vulnerable to some social evils and may easily go astray. They can not distinguish right or wrong （distinguish...from...是个词组，把什么与什么分清）, the money may be used in （应该用for)playing games, gambling or even drug-taking. Thirdly, it is easy to see (不是能够“简单看到”，而是“普遍”，应该用 it is common for) students comparing (to compare) their allowance in school with others, which may cause psychological problems.

From above discussion, if I am asked to make a choice I would not hesitate to side with the former one. However, the parents should teach their children the money is hard-earned, and then set examples in order to give them moral guidance of how to spend money correctly

词汇量固然重要，可是如果不清楚词语的意思及用法，不适当的用词只会适得其反。而且写论文最重要的是条理清晰，思路明确，句式复杂了反而难懂，让人不明白你真正想表达的意思。再者，还有些语法问题。不过lz已经不错了，而且又很努力，祝你考高分~

Answer 4

对不起大家，因为字数超过限制，所以我又换个号过来加字数

第二篇 是雅思考官帮我修改后的文章
Should children be given pocket money?

Over recent years parents have given their children an increasing amount of pocket money. According to the China Daily newspaper, the majority of people surveyed agreed that children should be given pocket money. Before presenting my view, I will explore both sides of this issue.

Some parents believe that their children can benefit from being given pocket money. First of all, having some money can help children foster good habits of saving. If children are disciplined and can budget their money, they can plan how best to spend their money through making a list. Secondly, parents provide more freedom to their children by giving them money, which may help cultivate independence and develop a sense of responsibility. Last but not the least, because of pocket money, children can set goals and work towards achieving their goals, teaching them important life lessons.

On the other hand, there are people contending that children should not be given an allowance. Firstly, a child who is focused on school work should not have allowance, for the reason that money may distract the child from their studies. For example, if a child has money, they might decide to spend it on computer games, going out with their friends or going shopping. Secondly, children are not mature, and may be vulnerable to some social evils and could easily go astray. They are not able to distinguish right from wrong. Their pocket money could be used in playing games, gambling or even drug-taking. Thirdly, children might compare their allowance in school with others, which may cause social and psychological problems.

From above discussion, if I am asked to make a choice I would not hesitate to side with the first argument that children should be given an allowance. However, the parents should teach their children that money is hard-earned, and then set examples in order to give them guidance of how to use their money correctly.

谢谢大家了