2分钟简单英语小笑话

Question

读起来2分钟左右，初中水平的，带翻译

Answer 1

After the miserly ghost died吝啬鬼死后When a very miserly man nicknamed the "stingy ghost" died and went to hell, the Yama King reproached him, saying, "You stingy ghost! When you were alive, you clung hard to everything and wouldn't give to anyone. Even when you saw others in poverty and misery, you refused to offer them help. Also, you didn't take good care of your parents, relatives or friends and let them suffer and starve. For your evil karma, you'll be dumped into a pot of boiling oil. "The ghost wardens then escorted the man to the pot of boiling oil, and when they arrived, he looked at the pot and said, "Hey! Wait a minute! There's so much oil in it. What a waste! Please drain out the oil, sell it and give me the money. Then, you can simply dump me in a pot of boiling water! There's no need for oil. You're using too much oil to cook one person anyway!" 参考译文：吝啬鬼死后有一个人很吝啬，叫吝啬鬼，他死了以后下地狱，阎罗王骂他说：“你这个吝啬鬼，在尘间的时候什么东西都抓很紧不放，什么人都不给，看到贫穷、痛苦的人也不帮助，父母、亲戚、朋友也没有照顾好，让他们都挨饿受苦，你这种凶恶的孽障，应该被放入滚开的油锅里面。”鬼差带他来到滚得很热、很烫的油锅那边，吝啬鬼一看就说：“喔，等一下、慢一下！油那么多，怎么那么浪费呢？你们先把这些油倒出来，卖出去后把钱给我，然后丢我在热烫的水里就可以了！何必用油，而且还用那么多油！” Monkey and policeman 猴子与警察A policeman took a monkey to his boss. The boss asked, "What kind of monkey business are you getting up to? He said, "This monkey was wandering on the streets, not following any of the rules. I'm turning him in. The boss said, "Oh, my God! You're so dumb! If you catch a monkey, you have to take it to the zoo. Why bring it to me. Take it to the zoo! So the policeman took the monkey out. Three or four days later, he was seen again, holding the monkey's hand. He took the monkey to the police car, opened the door, put it in, and was about to drive away. The boss saw this, ran out, and asked, "Oh, my God! How come the monkey is still here? I told you to take it to the zoo. The policeman replied, "Yes, sir. I've already taken him to the zoo. Today, I'm taking him to see a movie. 参考译文：猴子与警察有一位警察大哥带了只猴子给他上司看，他上司就说他：“你搞什么猴子把戏？”警察大哥说：“这猴子在大街上到处乱跑，什么法律都不懂，我把它捉了回来，治它的罪。”上司说：“天啊天，你怎么那么笨？捉到猴子就把它带到动物园去嘛，带给我干嘛？带它到动物园去。”后来那警察大哥就带了猴子出去了。 三、四天后还看见他跟猴子手拉手打开警察车门让猴子坐进去，正准备开车，他上司跑了出来说他：“天啊，为什么到现在还把猴子留在这儿，我不是叫你把它带到动物园去的吗？为什么还在这儿？”警察大哥：“我有呀！我已经带它去了动物园，今天带它去看电影！” clerk and customer 顾客和店员This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food. “Do you have a dog?” asked the clerk. “Yes, I do”， replied the puzzled customer. “I'm sorry sir”, said the clerk, “but you're going to have to prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food.” Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on it's leash all the way back to the store. “Here's my dog!” wheezed the tired customer. “Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food.” Two days later, the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says: “Two cans of cat food please.” “Do you have a cat sir?” “Of course I do”， said the exasperated customer. “I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food.” The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see. “Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food.” The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoe box with a small hole on the cover. “Yes sir, asked the clerk, what can I do for you?” “Put your finger in the hole” ordered the customer. “I beg your pardon?” said the clerk “Do as I say! ”ordered the guy. Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole. “Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!” said the guy. “It looks like crap!” said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer replied: THAT''S RIGHT !!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper! 参考译文：顾客和店员一个人来到一家杂货铺向柜台后面的店员买两听狗食。
“您有狗吗？”店员问。
“是的，我有！”迷惑的顾客回答。
“对不起，先生，您必须要向我证明您有一条狗，然后我才能把狗食卖给您。”
这个受挫的顾客回到家里把狗套到皮带上一路牵着回到杂货铺。“这是我的狗！”疲惫的顾客气喘吁吁地说。
“谢谢您，这是您的两听狗食。”
两天后这个人又回到同一家商店，走近同一个店员说，“来两听猫食。”
“您有猫吗？”
“当然有！”愤怒的顾客说。
“对不起先生，但是我必须看到您的猫，才能卖给您猫食。”
这个人狂怒着走出商店，回到家，抓住猫，拽着它回到了商店，拎着猫的尾巴让店员看。
“谢谢你，这里是你的两听猫食。”
就在第二天，这个人又回到了商店，走近那个店员，把一个白鞋盒子放到了柜台上，盒子盖上有一个小孔。
“您要什么？”店员问。
“把你的手指放进孔里，”顾客要求。
“什么？”，店员问。
“照我说的做，”这个人命令道。店员小心地把手指滑进孔里。
“拿出来，告诉我它像什么！”
“像是屎！”店员恶心地说道。
顾客回答：“这就对了！！现在给我两卷卫生纸！” In the Air 在空中Matt and his wife lived in the country. Matt was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town. "Let's go to the fair, Matt," his wife said. "We haven't been anywhere for a long time." Matt thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said, "All right, but I'm not going to spend much money. We'll look at things, but we won't buy anything. "They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy. There were many things Matt's wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small airplane. "Fun flights!" the notice said, "$ 10 for 10 minutes. Matt had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn't want to have to pay for his wife, as well. "I've only got $ 10," he told the pilot. "Can my wife come with me for free?" The pilot wasn't selling many tickets, so he said, "I'll make a bargain with you. If your wife doesn't scream or shout, she can have a free flight." Matt agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife. The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things. At one moment it was flying upside down. When the plane landed, the pilot said, "0. K. your wife didn't make a sound. She can have her ride free." "Thank you," Matt said. "It wasn't easy for her, you know, especially when she fell out."参考译文：在空中麦特和妻子住在乡下。麦特很吝啬，讨厌花钱。一天附近的镇子逢集。“我们去赶集，麦特，”妻子说。“我们很久没出去了。”麦特想了一会儿。他知道在集市上一定得花钱。最后他说：“好吧，但我不打算花太多钱。我们只看不买。”他们去集市，看看所有可买的东西。有很多东西麦特的妻子想买，但麦特不让她买。然后在附近的露天场地，他们看到一架小飞机。“有趣的飞行。”海报上写着，“10分钟10美元。”麦特从来没有乘过飞机，所以他想乘一次小飞机。然而他不想付他妻子的票钱。 “我只带了10美元，”他对飞机驾驶员说，“我妻子能免费和我一起乘飞机吗？”驾驶员没卖出多少票，所以他说：“我和你做个交易。如果你妻子不尖叫，也不叫出声来，她就能免费飞行。”麦特同意了，他和妻子一起登上了飞机。飞机起飞了，驾驶员让飞机做出各种各样的动作。有一会儿飞机倒着飞行。飞机着陆时，驾驶员说，“好吧，你妻子没发出任何声响。她就不用买飞机票了。” “谢谢，”麦特说，“你知道，这对她不容易，特别当她刚才掉下去的时候。”

Answer 2

“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”

“20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”

TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.

老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？

约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。