好心人~帮我评论一下这篇英语作文吧（四级的）

Question

My Views on Online Shopping
More and more people shop on line with the development of the Internet. Some people support this phenomenon of social situation, because online shopping can stimulate consumption and the government also support this action. But some people worry about online shopping that brings some problem, for example the security of accounts’ code, people’s credit, and so on.
As far as I am concerned, people shop on line verify the footsteps which time progresses, so we can’t stop that action just because of those little problems. However, those problems must be solved, or it will weaken the consumers’ confidence. Personally, I think government must perfect today’s legal systems about online shopping. And the consumers must also improve your alert in your business.
无限感激~谢谢

Answer 1

With the development of the Internet, more and more people prefer to shop online these days.(提出现象) Some people are in favor of online shopping for its convenience. While others are concerned about the problem of online shopping, such as the security of customers' accounts, the credit of online shop owners, etc.(陈述大众观点：支持者肯定首要理由是方便，个人认为这里提到government有点多余，另外的观点可以用while连接，担忧可以用be concerned about，另外你所要表达的密码不是code，应该是password，这里就说the security of customers' accounts顾客账户的安全就行)。
As far as I am concerned, online shopping is a reflection of the development of science and technology, which is affecting our everyday life. It brings much more convenience to shopping and has aready been part of our life. As for me, I enjoy online shopping a lot. However, those problems must be solved or it will harm customers' interests. I strongly suggest that the government should have more regulations about online shopping and the customers be more cautious when shopping online.

Answer 2

这篇文章有点意思。哈哈。
首先值得肯定的是高级词比较多，远远超出了四级水平的词汇要求。其次要注意的是句子结构简单含义空洞，逻辑关系不够明显。
给修改一下：
不知道题目是自拟的还是试卷上给的，如果是自拟的话建议把online shopping 改成shopping online

as the internet developed, more and more people choose to shop online.most online shoppers see the phenomenon as a good social situation by thinking that it can stmulate consumptions.and the government also involve into the pecceeding of online shopping.but some other people worry about that it may bring some problems. for instance, the security problems of accounts' code and credit cards etc.
只改了下有错误的地方，内容上的空洞还是楼主自己研究研究吧。