1
A Moment That Changed My Life
Growing up on the small island of New Providence life was a bit more than a walk on the beach but rather trying to make both ends meet. Although it was rough, mommy tried her best to distribute love equally among the 6 of us. We spend most of our childhood years through the streets of Bain and Grant's Town where we attend The Church Of God Of Prophecy Meadow Street. Mommy was a Christian for almost 15yrs and struggled to keep her children active in the church. Most of the time she was unsuccessful in doing that but she never got discourage, instead it made her stronger. At the age of 12, I can say without hesitation that I had no role models. Being the youngest child, mommy strived with me so that I wouldn't turn out the way my siblings did. I hardly saw my brothers at home. Most of the time they were either gang banging, gabling or somewhere nearby taking drugs. Mommy never said anything, but most nights she prayed to God asking him for help with the family. Although going to church was my daily ritual, I found it hard to believe that I never knew God. Eventually it started to show that I was headed in the same directions of my older brothers, but worst. At the age of 16, due to a tragic accident, I was left with no brothers. This crushed my mother knowing that her sons died without knowing Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. It was weeks later until I saw my mother smiling again. The insurance money left her 'filthy' rich that she was able to take half of the money and bought a low cost home in a residential area. Although I moved away from the busy neighborhood, I continued to indulge in drugs and mischief. I not only took drugs but I also sold it to get by in life. At the age of 23, I was the top 'drug man' in Nassau and the tasks of the police were to capture me and stop my business. Even though this was ineffective, they never quit. Without a high school education, my monthly income was just as much as those who were doctors and lawyers.
2
I have recently moved to London form a small village in the south east of England, although I have not moved up alone, (I have moved in with my boyfriend,) I still found my new life increasingly hard. It started to seem like I was watching my life fall apart around me, as much as I tried, no matter how positive I was things just did not seem to change.
I had no friends up in London and no job; my boyfriend on the other hand had all his friends from uni and a job. Yes I went out with his friends and yes I enjoyed myself, but I knew it was not my life not my friends I was just the girlfriend.
I tried making friends when I was out and started taking a few classes but most people were very unsociably, the week and months past and I still had not job and was the tag along.
I have always been a really upbeat and happy person, outgoing and fun loving I started to notice I was losing all confidence in myself. I was no longer making an effort to make myself a new life, thinking no one would like me I was not good enough.
I managed to secure myself a part time job in a small marketing company; the majority of the staff were old and not interested in my semi permanent presence and if they were It was only to pass the extra work onto me.
As a result I was becoming increasing stressed.
It was all having such a negative impact on life, my relationship stared to suffer, I had no confidence I thought I was and would always be nothing.
One day, when I was doing nothing particularly special, I realized that I hated who I was, who I had become it was like I did not even know who I was anymore, needless to say I was completely lost and this only contributed to me feeling more and more stressed.
I did not know what to do, I started reading self help books which made me feel more like a basket case, till one day I read some thing which changed my life. I found a book on floor on a northern line tube, marking the page which I read was a flyer. I took the flyer out and read the passage bellow.
“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loss. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards, some times we win sometimes we loss. Don’t expect to get anything back. Don’t expect recognition for your effort. Don’t expect your genius to be discovered or you love to be understood. Complete the curricle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”
I don’t know why but it stuck a serious cord, I knew then something had to change, but I did not know how. I had tried. I looked at the flyer which marked the page it was for a company called Healthwise-Global. I though no more of it.
I was the first one home; I always was and still am. I started undergoing my daily ritual of reading my emails, which did not help me as 90% were decline letters.
I got the book out of my bag to re read the passage, when I thought I would check out the company on the flyer.
Healthwise-global, a site dedicated to better health, the strap line read, I was about to click off when I saw they offered stress downloads I clicked on the page and read the blurb.
“Leading the market in Stress Management, Relieving Stress Anxiety and Depression. Our professionally designed Stress Management downloads are specifically made to help you eliminate stress, anxiety and depression”
I though why not, if chicken soup for the soul couldn’t help me I might as well try this hypnotisms stuff. So I did, it was no hypnotisms, no it was much better, I guess I would call it self hypnotisms.
I was willing to give it a go so I listened to it each day for a week, I know it sounds corny but it changed my life. I mean really changed me. It was the kick I needed, the wake up call.
The download taught me how to deal with stress, and relax, I mean really relax (bhuddia style, it was amazing) but also taught me how to be more positive, visualize who and what I wanted to be.
My boyfriend was the first to noticed the difference in me, his exact words were, “I was wondering when I would get my lou back, I was afraid I had lost her forever.”
Form then things just got better and better, out of nowhere I met a women on the tube, I was back to my happy self and asked if she had finished with her metro, we got talking and it turned out that she worked for a marketing company and they had internships going, she asked me to come into the office the next day and meet her, that night I laid there listening to my stress download and allowed the positive message to fill my being.
I got the job, to cut a long story short life is now amazing, and its all down to a silly lill download, when I was stressed and depressed I knew I was not alone feeling like that so if anyone reading this identifies with any of this I would strongly suggest going to its amazing, my boyfriend now uses their relaxation download and cant believe how amazing he now feels.
I cant tell you how amazing this site is, all I know is that it was a friend who told me to write a blog as she know there are 1000 in the same position and I came out the other side and this site could help all those people who are stressed and depresses like I was .
3
It was not until later
that I knew, recognized the moment
for what it was, my life before it,
a gray landscape, shapeless and misty;
my life after, flowering full and leafy
as the cherry trees that only today
have torn into bloom.
Imagine: my cousin at 19, tall,
slender. She worked in New York City.
For my thirteenth birthday she took me
to New York. We ate at the Russian Tea Room
where I was uncertain about which fork to use,
intimidated by the women in their hats and furs,
by the waiters who watched me
as I struggled with the huge hunk of bread
in the center of the onion soup in its steep bowl.
When we were ready to leave, I tried to give the tip
back to my cousin. I thought she had forgotten it.
She said, "No, it's for the waiter!"
On 57th Street a man in a camel coat bumped into me,
rushed on by. My cousin said, "That was Eddie Fisher,"
but I said, "He's too short. It can't be."
I felt let down that Eddie Fisher,
the star I was in love with that year, was so rude
he never even said "excuse me." Then we went into the theater
sat in the front row. the stage sprang into colored light, and
the glittery costumes, the singing, the magical story,
drew me in, made me feel in that moment,
that I would learn again and again,
the miraculous language, the music of it.
My life, turning away from the constricted world
of the 19th Street tenement, formed a line
almost perpendicular to that old life,
I moved toward it, breathed in this new air,
racing toward a world filled with poems and
music and books that freed me from everything
that could have chained me to the ground.
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