When they pulled the absent-minded professor， half drowned, from the lake, he sputtered, “How absent-minded I am! I have just remembered that I can swim.”
健忘的教授
当人们把健忘的、淹得半死的教授从湖里拉上来时，他气急败坏地说道：“我真健忘，我刚刚才想起我会游泳！”
2、Father's Motto
teacher: My Children, remember this motto. “Give others more and leave for yourself less.”
Jack: It' just my father's motto!
Teacher: How noble your father's quality is! What's his occupation?
Jack: He is a boxer.
父亲的格言
老师：孩子们，记住这句格言：“多给予，少接受。”
杰克：那正是我父亲的格言！
老师：你父亲真是个品质高尚的人啊！他是干什么工作的？
杰克：它是个拳击手。
3、He Was Caught
“Polorius was kicked out of school for cheating.”
“how come?”
“He was caught, counting his ribs in a hygiene exam.”
他被抓住了
“波罗涅斯由于作弊被开除了”
“什么原因啊”
“在生理卫生考试中,他数自己的肋骨,结果被发现了.”
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两
只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老师
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．
“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Who is the laziest
Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ?
Jack:I don`t know ,father.
Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word?
Jack:Our teacher ,father.
A tiger caught a Deer.一只老虎抓到一头鹿
The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: " you can't eat me"老虎打算吃了这头鹿.鹿急忙大叫：“你不能吃我？”
The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: " why can't i eat you? 老虎一楞，感到很奇怪，于是问鹿：“为什么我不能吃你？”
The deer said:" Because im a protected second class animal in the country, so, no matter what you can't eat me !"
鹿说：“因为我是国家二级保护动物，所以，你无论如何也不能吃了我！”
The tiger after hearing what the deer said, laughed and said " haha, then i should really eat you !
老虎听完笑着说：“呵呵，那么我更应该要吃你了
Deer asked : " why ?"
鹿说：“为什么？”
" because im a first class protected animal in the country" Tiger proudly said
“因为我是国家一级动物！”老虎得意地说。
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. “What was your most difficult case?” one asked the other.
“Once I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world,” replied his colleague. “He believed that a wildly rich uncle in South America was going to leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a make�believe letter to arrive from a fictitious attorney. He never went out or did anything. He just sat around and waited.”
“What was the result?”
“It was an eight�year struggle, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived...”
两个精神病专家在一次会议上碰见了。其中一个问另一个：“你最棘手的病例是什么样的?”
“我曾有过一个病人，他生活在一个纯幻想的世界里，”他的同行回答。“他坚信南美有个大富翁叔叔要留给他一笔遗产。他整天等待着从一个虚构的律师那儿收到证实信。他从不出门，无所事事，只是坐着干等。”
“结果如何?”
“经过长达8年的努力，我终于把他给治好了。可就在那时，那封荒唐的信到了……”
The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？
病人：我认为我是一只鸡。
精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？
病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。
Who Is the Laziest?
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
中文：
父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒？
汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父亲：啊，不对，你知道！想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课？
汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
译文：
老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后，我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”
妻子说：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁给任何人。”
约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做。”
妻子：“为什么？”
约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”
(Interviewing a volunteer for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games)
Interviewer: First, would you like to explain why you are interested in this job?
Interviewee: Well, I think it’s very meaningful to participate in something as special as this; you know, to be able to welcome overseas friends and to make them feel at home, what a privilege!
Interviewer: Nice, and what will you do when an overseas guest asks for help?
Interviewee: That’s easy. I’ll just try my best to help them! If they ask for directions, I’ll make sure they know where they are on the map and then point them in the right direction. If they need suggestions for entertainment, I’ll show them around. If they are short of money, I’ll… give them money!
Interviewer: Give them money? Are you sure? Why not give me some?
Interviewee: Hehe … sorry, that’s a mistake. I meant I’ll try my best to help them.
Interviewer: You’ve got the right idea, and have a very good attitude indeed. And by the way, what will you do if you encounter some unfriendly guests that have some unreasonable requests?
Interviewee: Well, in that case, I’ll stay calm and politely explain the reason why I can’t be of more assistance. Trust me. I’ll be able to find the balance between being a good host to foreigners and maintaining the dignity, virtue and honor of our Chinese traditions.
Interviewer: I understand it’s quite a delicate balance. And I’m very happy to see that you understand this too - you are hired!
Interviewee: Really? Hoo-ray!
Interviewer: Behave yourself!
Interviewee: Oh, yes sir!(Written by Tina; Level: Middle)
欢迎您2008年光临北京
(招聘2008年北京奥运会志愿者的一次面试)
面试官：首先，请解释一下你为什么会对这一工作感兴趣？
应聘者：嗯，我认为能亲身参与像北京奥运会这样特殊的历史事件是非常有意义的。你知道，能有机会欢迎来自五湖四海的国际友人，使他们宾至如归是件多么荣幸的事啊！
面试官：很好！那么当一位外国客人向你寻求帮助时，你会怎么办？
应聘者：很简单呀，我会尽力帮助他们！如果他们是问路，我保证让他们清楚他们当前在地图上的确切位置，再告诉他们应该怎么走；如果他们需要一些娱乐建议，我就带他们到处走走看看；如果他们缺钱，我就……给他们钱！
面试官：给他们钱？你确定？为什么不先给我点呢？
应聘者：嘿嘿……对不起，我说错了。我的意思是说我会尽最大努力帮助他们。
面试官：你的想法很正确，态度也非常好。对了，如果遇到一些不太友好的客人提出一些不尽合理的要求，你会怎么处理？
应聘者：嗯，碰到这种情况，我会保持冷静，礼貌地向他解释我不能提供这类帮助的原因。请相信我，我能在既当好外国客人的称职东道主，又能维护我们中华民族的尊严、美德与名誉间找到一种平衡。
面试官：我知道这是一种十分微妙的平衡，很高兴你已经明白了这一点，你被录取了！
应聘者：真的？万岁！
面试官：放规矩点！
应聘者：哦，是！
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