请大家帮我写一篇英语作文！

Question

My Comments on success
1.有一些人认为个人成功靠的是努力工作（例子）
2，一些人认为个人成功靠的是运气
3.我的看法
例文：Some people say the key to success is the luck, while others claim it is hard work. As far as I am concerned, there are many factors contributing to success and the three fundamental ones are diligence, devotion and perseverance.

Diligence is the first key factor to success. Diligence helps us remove ignorance, overcome difficulties, and enlighten our minds. It makes a fool wise, and a poor man rich. Devotion is another factor to success. Whatever we do, we must love it and do it whole-heartedly. Only when we set our minds on the job, can we do it well. Furthermore, perseverance, or a strong will, is the last key to success. Without a strong will, we are likely to give up when we meet some difficulties, let alone perform wonderful deeds.
To conclude, all great men achieve success through diligence, devotion and perseverance. Just as the famous saying goes, "No pains, no gains", "Where there is a will, there is a way."
请大家帮忙改简单一点

Answer 1

Some people say the key to success is the luck, while others say it is hard work. As far as I know, there are many reasons contributing to success and the three fundamental ones are hard, love and self-will.

Hard is the first key factor to success. It helps us remove unwisdom, overcome difficulties. It makes a fool wise, and a poor man rich.

Love is another factor to success. Whatever we do, we must love it. Only when we set our minds on the job, can we do it well.

Self-will,or a strong will, is the last key to success. Without a strong will, we are likely to give up when we meet some difficulties, let alone perform wonderful deeds.

Above all, all great men achieve success through hard, love and self-will. Just as the famous saying goes, "No pains, no gains", "Where there is a will, there is a way."

你看行不？

Answer 2

这个文章写的很完美,结构,观点论述都无可挑剔,为什么一定要改呢