谁能把这段话翻译成英语？要正式的，搞笑点也行。不要中式英语

Question

小主从来容姿秀美、俏丽非凡。近日因诸事繁杂，身子不适，略显容颜憔悴。奴才承蒙小主多年雨露恩泽，每每思之，倍感惆怅，故特备京州美味加以调理，适逢皇额娘刚刚送来番邦敬贡上等之辛辣食材，奴才私心想着，若是小主用来，定是极好的！不知小主意下如何？
不要金山词霸翻译的，

Answer 1

Minor principal never Yung-chi beautiful, pretty extraordinary. Recently everything go complicated, body discomfort, slightly haggard face. I indebted main years of rain grace, we often think of them, I feel melancholy, so special Jingzhou delicious conditioning, the falls on the Huang Eniang just sent flown from King tribute finest spicy food, I selfish thinking, if the main used, the set is excellent! I do not know idea how?
这东西，元芳你看可以不？！

Answer 2

找专业人士吧，好难吧！