帮我改一篇高考作文，谢谢，一定要找出错的地方

Question

一定要找出错的地方，谢谢，这篇作文我只得到了16分，满分25分。因为是答题卡改的，所以看不到哪里错了。（写作文的时候有点懵）
题目你的一位外国朋友对你们的双11(Double 11)这日感兴趣,请你写信告诉她。
i.包括问候和节日的活动
ii.为什么节日会这么火
iii.你的观点和倡议
正文
how are you doingi'm writing to convery my gratitude to you.
I am so glad that you are interested in Double 11. let me inform you something about that.On the double 11 just like JingDong and Taobao will on a big sale meanwhile all the goods will be discount and you just can not stop your hands to buy things.
As far as i concerned, it is of great popularity due to the cheap goods,and
Tobao will send many red pockets to you.
I am absolutely fond of that.Personally speaking,you will like them ,too.
But in my view,you should buy something that you really need.Otherwise,you will run
out of your money because i constantly do that.

Answer 1

这个分数应该没啥大问题，换算成百分制也是七十多。
首先，作文高级词汇，高级句式用的很少，这个在高考作文比分中占了很大一部分，是加分项，高级词汇一个0.5分，高级句式一个一分，
其次，你的卷面是否整洁，虽说英语作文没有所谓的卷面分，但是卷面整洁，字迹清晰，阅卷老师的第一印象分就会高很多
作文整体没啥大问题

Answer 2

As we all know that friendship is important to us. True friends would always help us when we need them. For instance, last week, I went to a library to find some stories to read. The stories were so interesting that I was totally immersed in them. I forgot to bring my backpack, which contained all the homework that I should finish that evening, with me when I left. It was too late when I noticed it for the library was closed at that time. Almost crying, I worried about it so much but do not konw what I could do. Luckly, a couple of my classmates, also my freinds, did me a favor. They found one of the staff of that library and persuaded him to open the door helping me to bring my pack back. I wa s so grateful to them for helping me bring back my pack.
From this small case I seemed to realise the meaning of friendship and how important it is for us.