急需简单英语笑话

Question

急需要英语的笑话！！！！！！！！！！！！！！
晚上7点就要了！！！！！！！！！！
要简单的！！最好就笑话内容提三个问题！！！

谢谢！！！！！！！！！！！
就笑话内容提三个小问题
还有,麻烦附上中文,谢

Answer 1

The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

Excuse for Speeding

Excuse for Speeding
Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.

〃Why on earth were you driving so fast？〃 the policeman yelled.

〃Our brakes are no good-so we wanted to get there before we had an accident！〃

超速的理由

哈里与劳埃德超速行驶，一辆警车拦住了他们。

“你们为什么开那么快？”警官喊道。

“我们的刹车不好，因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。”

A: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
B: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

A:猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？
B:猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。

A:Which is the strongest creature in the world?
B: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

A:世界上最强壮的动物是什么?
B:蜗牛.因为它可以把自己的房子放在背上.

A: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
B: Keep him awake.

A:怎样才能不让梦游者梦游呢？
B:不让他睡觉.

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的

一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。

这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字

布朗夫人：哦，

亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！

布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”

Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧

-- 服务员，

这个龙虾只有一只爪。

-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。

-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。

One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"

Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.
学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘记的越多, 忘记的越多,知道的越少,为什么学来着?!

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

还有……
The poor husband

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

可怜的丈夫

“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

这个也挺好

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟

TOM'S EXCUSE

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?

Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".

汤姆的借口

老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。"

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.

Girl: Father, I have sinned.

Preacher: What did you do, little girl¡

Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.

Preacher: Why¡ What did he do to you¡

Girl: He touched my breast.

Preacher: You mean like this¡ (The guy did it.)

Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.

Preacher: Thats no reason to call him that.

Girl: But he also took off my cloth.

Preacher: You mean like this¡ (He did it again.)

Girl: Yes, thats what he did.

Preacher: Thats still no reason to call him that.

Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...

Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this¡ (And you-know-what)

Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, thats what he did...

Preacher: My dear girl, thats still no reason to call him a...

Girl: But he had AIDS!!

Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

Answer 2

你看看这个行吗？

Alexander the Great (One)
Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation, and the doctor, somewhat nettled, said:"Landon, you don’t seem getting on very fast in this subject.
You seem to lack ambition. Why, at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world."
"Yes," said Landon,"he couldnot help it, for you will recall the fact, doctor, that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher .
译文:
亚历山大大帝
兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。老师有点不悦，对他说道：“兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。”
“是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不那样。博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师。”

Seven Dogs (Two)
Teacher: Now Thomas, what do five and one make? (No answer) Suppose I gave you five dogs and then anoher dog, how many dogs would you have.
Thomas: Seven.
Teacher: Seven? Why would you have seven?
Thomas: Because I ve got a dog of my own at home.
译文：
七只狗
老师：现在，汤玛斯，五加一等于多少？（没有回答）假设我给你五只狗，再给你另一只，你就有几只狗了？
汤玛斯：七只。
老师：七只？怎么会有七只？
汤玛斯：因为我家里自己也有一只狗。

My Children s Father (Three)

A young teacher tried hard to meet and know the fathers and mothers of all her pupils. One day a man sat opposite her on a bus. She was sure that he was one of the fathers she had met.She smiled at him. She was surprised when he said, without a smile, "I don’t think I know you,young lady." She had made a mistake, and she quickly tried to explain.
"Oh, I am very sorry. I was sure you were the father of one of my children."
译文：
孩子的父亲
一位年轻的女老师很努力地试着去接触和认识她所有学生的父母。有一天在公共汽车上，她的正对面坐着位男士。她确信他是她认识的学生家长之一。她对他微笑，他却很惊讶于他毫无笑容的回答：“我想我不认识你，年轻女士。”
她知道她弄错了，然后马上想要解释。 “哦，真对不起。我以为你是我其中一个孩子的父亲。”

I Am The Ninth Letter (Four)
Teacher: Ann, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ann: "I is …"
Teacher: No, Ann. You must always say "I am"
Ann: Oh, right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
译文：
我是第九个字母(Five)
老师：安娜，给我个以I开头的句子。
安娜： “I is …”
老师： 不对，安，你应该说“I am”。
安娜：哦，对。“I am the ninth letter of the phabet.”（我是英文字母的第九个字母。）

What Time Is It(Six)
The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn t figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."
"How will that help?" said the second boy.
"Just do it," insisted the first.
Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don t you know it s three o clock in the morning?"
译文：
现在几点了？
两个男孩子在后院露营，他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是，一个男孩对另外一个说：“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”
“那就会知道时间吗？”第二个男孩问。
“只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。
两个孩子开始大声唱歌，过了一会儿，一个邻居打开窗户喊道：“小声点！你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗？”

这种东西百度很多的，其实很多时候自己轻松的就能找到
要用好百度这个工具

再给你推荐一个好的网站！
http://www.xmhong.cn/article/29/2007/18177.html

Answer 3

1.Neighbor: You say your son is only four, and he can spell his name backwards as well as forwards? What is his name?

Proud Father: Otto.
邻居问:你说你的儿子只有四岁,他就可以顺着或是倒着拼写自己的名字? 他叫什么名字?
骄傲的父亲说:Otto.

2.Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of everything is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down.

Son: Dad, here’s my report card.
看看这些帐单! 税啊,房租啊,电话单,吃的穿的.什么都往上涨.能有一样是往下掉的我就笑了.
儿子: 老爸, 给,我的成绩单.

3. Son: I got a hundred in school today.

Father: That’s wonderful, Billy. What did you get a hundred in?
Son: Two things: I got 50 in spelling and 50 in arithmetic.
儿子: 我今天在学校得了一百分了.
父亲:太好了,贝利.你是考什么得了一百分?
儿子: 单词拼写和算数各得五十.

Answer 4

.一位弥留之际的男人向妻子立下遗嘱：“我死后，但愿你能嫁给我们的邻居埃德先生。”妻子不解，于是他又解释说：“两年前，这混蛋卖给我的奶牛根本挤不出奶，我现在也要让他尝尝受骗的滋味！”
2.爸爸给鱼鱼讲小时候经常挨饿的事。听完，鱼鱼两眼含泪：“呃，爸爸，你是因为没饭吃才来我们家的吗？”
3.某山区通火车,沿途农民都来观看,车上一女客来了例假,换纸后仍出窗外
迎面飞在一农民脸上,农民取下说:“哇靠！！！火车就是快,飘张纸都能把我鼻子打出血
4.三岁的女儿经常对我说，“爸爸，是不是种什么就得什么呀？”我说，“是的，种瓜得瓜，种豆得豆”，女儿高兴的说“那我种果冻，我要好多果冻”。
5.两父子性情暴烈，从不让人。一日父命子去买肉待客。回时在城门去一人不相让路，对站半日，父跑来：“好儿子你拿肉先回，我跟丫接着对站！”
笑话可能是只是一句短语，也可以是一个小故事或一连串的词，让说话者和沟通者之间觉得好笑，或是产生幽默感。一个行动型的笑话和口语型的笑话不同点，在于行动型的笑话是以动作影响人的视觉，而感到好笑。
6.一天，在一辆公共汽车上有很多人，正在售票员买票时，突然一个人放了一个屁，车上的人都感到呼吸不适，纷纷骂着这个不文明的人。
这时售票员大声喊：“谁没买票？”
一名乘客答：“刚放屁的那个人没买票！”
这时一个人站起来大声嚷：“谁说我没买票！”
7.妈妈叫小双起床：“快起床！公鸡都叫好几遍了！”
双说：“公鸡叫和我有什么关系？我又不是母鸡！”

举几个例子：
1布什视察老人院
一天布什决定要去华盛顿当地一家老人院视察。
总统从老人院大厅进入，迎面走来一个小老头，好像这人没有注意到他。
布什不太高兴，转身追上小老头问：“你认识我吗？”
小老头看看布什说：“不认识你，你可以去护理站那边，他们会告诉你是谁."

2 律师和扒手
问：律师和扒手有什么不同？
答：一旦你死了，扒手就不再盯着你了

翻译：
. Lay Dying man who made a will to his wife: "I am dead, I hope you can marry our neighbor Ed President." Wife could not understand, so he explained: "Two years ago, this son of a bitch I sold the fundamental挤不出milk cows, I now want to make him taste the taste of being cheated! "
2. Father to the milt stresses childhood often starving thing. After listening, Milt two tears: "uh, Dad, because you did not have to come to our family?"
3. A mountain-train, farmers have to watch along the way, the car and a woman passenger to the official holiday for paper after a window
Flying in the face of a peasant face, and removed the farmers said: "Wakao!! Train is fast, floating sheet of paper can play my nose bleeding
4. Regular three-year-old daughter said to me, "Daddy, what must species is not what way?" I said, "Yes,种瓜a melon to grow beans in the bean," said his daughter happy, "then I species jelly, I have to many jelly. "
5. Violent temperament two father and son, never people. On the 1st父命son to buy meat to entertain the guests. Back at the Shing Mun to one person do not give way, the stations for half a day, the father ran over: "good son back to you with the meat first, I went with the Center on the station!"
Jokes may be just a phrase, and can also be a little story or a series of words, the speaker and communication among feel funny, or have a sense of humor. An action-oriented jokes and verbal different type of joke, the joke is action-action on the visual effects, and are funny.
6. Day in a bus, a lot of people are buying tickets at the conductor, suddenly a crew and a屁, the people felt that the car respiratory discomfort have骂着this uncivilized people.
Then conductor yelled: "He who did not vote buying?"
One passenger replied: "just farting in that person not buying tickets!"
At this time a person stands up loud嚷: "Who says I did not vote buying."
7. Mother叫小double bed: "quick get up! Rooster is a good thing times!"
Double said: "I have the rooster called and what relationship? I is not the hen!"

To cite a few examples:
1 Bush visited homes for the aged
Bush decided to go to Washington one day a local homes inspected.
The President entered the hall from the homes for the elderly, walked a little old man face, as if this were not aware of him.
Bush is not pleased, turned around to catch up with small old man asked: "Do you know me?"
Old man look at the small Bush said: "I do not recognize you, you can go to nursing stations there, they will tell you who is."

2 lawyers and pickpockets
Q: What is the lawyers and pickpockets different?
A: Once you die, you pickpockets will not stare at the

Answer 5

As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that 'Time is money'?" "Well,it's a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered . "Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. "Oh.yes.You've got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver.
questions：
Did the driver break the traffic role?
What do the driver think about time is the money?
How do you belive the saying time is the money?