求英语笑话，急Ⅰ在线等，

Question

今天迟到了所以
谜语也行，英文的

Answer 1

1.What is smaller than an insect's mouth?
2.What season is the most dangerous one?

3.What's too much for me,just right for two,but nothing at all for three?
4.On what day of a year do soldiers start wars in history?

5.How many feet are in a yard?

6.What person tries to make others smile most of the time?
7.From what number can one take half and leave nothing?
8.What has hands but no feet, a face but no eyes,tells but does not talk?
9.How many months have 28 days?

10.Which horses have six legs?

Keys (答案) ：
1.Anything it eats.
2.Autumn. Because it is also FALL.
3.A secret.
4.March fourth.When a war breaks out,they'll have to march forth.
5.It depends on how many people are standing in it.
6.A photographer.
7.The number 8.
8.A clock.

9.All of them. Each month has its 28th day.
10.All horses have forelegs (four legs) in front and two in back, so they

all have six legs.

11.Who isn't your sister and isn't your brother,but is still a child of your

mother and father?
12.What has teeth but can't eat?

13.What kind of man can raise things without lifting them?
14.Which candle burns longer:a black one or a white one?
15.Why does a cook wear a high,white hat?
16.Can you name five days of the week without saying: Monday,

Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday,Friday?
17.What kind of dog never can bite and bark?
18.What has a soft bed but never sleeps,a big mouth but never speaks?
19.Four girls have a basket with four apples in it.How can you divide the apples

so that each girl gets a whole apple and one still remains in the basket?
20.Which eight-letter word has one letter in it?
Keys: 答案：
11.You yourself are.
12.A comb.
13.A farmer.He can raise pigs, chickens and so on without lifting them.
14.Neither.Because all candles burn shorter.
15.To cover his head.
16.The day before yesterday,yesterday,today, tomorrow, and the day after

tomorrow.
17.A hot dog.
18.A river.
19.Give three girls an apple each,and give the fourth girl her apple in the

basket.
20.Envelope.

我猜这才是你想要的吧，上面那位老兄给的太长了吧？~

Answer 2

1 A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。

2 A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?"

"Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I've make someone glad yesterday."

"Well done. Who was that?"

"My granny."

"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home,' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"

一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”

“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”

“做得好，是谁呢？”

“我奶奶。”

“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”

“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！

3 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."

"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"

"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.

"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".

迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。

孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”

迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”

他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”

迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”

4 Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

Stan: In the bathroom 。

Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

Stan: Blindfold them!

斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。

弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？

斯丹：浴室。

弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？

斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！

5 George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ”

“ No,” said the mother, “it's too cold. ”

“ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ? ”

乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ”

“ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ”

“ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？

参考资料：希望我的答案对您有用处，谢谢！

Answer 3

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.

"He's a good boy," said Jack's father, "and if you let him pass this time, I'm sure he'll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."

"No, no, that's quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn't know!"

"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack's father. "You see, I'm afraid we don't take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

<1> If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

<2> Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

<3> What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

<4> Where do you find giant snails?

<5> What two things can't you have for breakfast?

ANSWER
<1> Wet
<2> Taxi driver
<3> An envelope
<4> On the ends of their fingers
<5> Lunch and breakfast
这些是脑筋急转弯.

参考资料：英语幽默园地

Answer 4

Tom! Tom! Wake up,son, it't time to go to school!
But why, Mom, I don't want to go.

Give me two reasons why you don't want to go!
Well, the kids hate me, for one, and the teachers hate me, too.

Oh! That's no reason not to go to school! Come on now and get ready!
Give me two reasons why I should go to school.

Well, for one, you are 42 years old. And for another, you are the principal!

Answer 5

Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"

After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.

“Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.

But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?"