中考英语作文评改

Question

本人是一名初三学生，以下有两篇我写的英语作文，麻烦大家给予评改，并以中考标准评分（15分制），提些建议，谢谢

话题一：
How to stay our health？
作文：
How to Stay Our Health
If you want to have a happy life,you have to get a good health first.Here are some suggests.
First,you should eat more healthily.That means to eat more vegetables and less meat.Then you had better get some physical exercise exery day.And of course,it's necessary for you to have a good sleep each day,because it can make you feel energetic next day.If you've got too much pressure,tell your friends parents or teathers,and I'm sure they can give you some useful advice.
At last,hope you can get a good health and a happy life.

话题二：
假如你叫李华,你校初三年级同学正在开展一场讨论,主题是“初三学生要不要参加体育锻炼”。请根据下面所提供的信息,用英语总结出讨论情况。
提示:
70%的学生
30%的学生
应该每天进行体育锻炼,但不要时间过长
锻炼浪费时间、使人疲劳
锻炼能增强体质,保持健康
锻炼以后很兴奋,较长时间不能投入学习
锻炼能使大脑休息,使学习效果更好
锻炼中可能会受伤
要求:语句通顺,句意连贯;词数为80词左右;发言稿的开头已写好,但不计入总词数。
作文：
Discuss About the Exercise
I'm Li Hua.After the discuss, we found that 70% of the students think they should take all kinds of exercise every day but not spend too much time.In their opinion,physical exercise can not only keep us healthy but also make our brain relax and help us learn better.But the other thirty percent of students against with them and say that doing physical exercise is wasting time.It cannot make us relaxed but too tired to learn anything.During the exercise,somebody may get injured.So,students in Grade Nine should do physical exercise,thy think.
this is the result of the discuss.Thanks.
在线等评改，针对给我帮助较大的答案还可加分，谢谢

Answer 1

正好今年要参加中考阅卷,这是作文评分档次说明:
第一档(13-15分)信息完整,表达流畅,无语言错误或基本无语言错误.
第二档(10-12分)信息基本完整,表达较流畅,有少量语法错误,但不影响意思表达.你基本属于这两档之间的.第一篇有两个很明显的错误,一个是sugget是动词,应写suggestions.还有第二段第一句healthily应写healthilier.应该用第一人称.还有你写的句子有的缺少主语,有点随意.其他具体的,楼上指出的很细.但是老师阅卷不可能每句话看的那么细致.首先你的文章整体还是可以的.行文流畅,有层次感.考试时一定要注意书写,这个非常重要,字写的漂亮没有涂改,考试在仔细点,可以达到第一档.至少要写工整,不要有涂改,有时间可以打个草稿.一般还要有高分词汇,1）同义词法：一般：My school is in the west of the city.
高级：My school lies in the west of the school./
My school is located in the west of the city. ，
2）反义词法：
一般：You can easily remember these words if you use them every day.
高级：You’ll have no trouble/difficulty remembering these words if you
use them every day.
3)构词法：一般：My little sister is eight years old.
高级：My little sister is an eight-year-old girl.
一般：The party is very successful.
高级：The party is a great success.
4)同义结构替换法：英语中很多实用地道的短语，用在写作中可以让文章的味道更浓。比如，thanks to, turn out, in spite of, as a result, as for, on the other hand, make it等。另外英语中还常用分词结构或介词短语结构来替代一些状语从句。
例如:
一般：If the weather is fine, we’ll go hill climbing tomorrow.
高级：Weather permitting, we’ll go hill climbing tomorrow.
(5)恰当使用复合句
简单句：A girl was injured in the accident. She is now in hospital.
定语从句：The girl who was injured in the accident is now in hospital.
总评:12-13分.希望这些能对你有所帮助.千万注意你的书写 ,注意文章开头和结尾．

Answer 2

文章有些语病，尝试帮你修改，供你参考（括号的内容是改动后的）

话题一 How to Stay Our Health
If you want to (live) a happy life,you have to( have ) good health first.Here are some (suggestions).
First,you should eat more healthily.That means (eating) more vegetables and less meat.Then you had better (take) some physical (exercises) exery day.And of course,it's necessary for you to have a good sleep( every) day,because it can make you feel energetic (the next) day.If you've got too much pressure,tell your friends,parents or teathers,and I'm sure they can give you some useful advice.
(Finally),(I )hope you can get (good health) and (live )a happy life.

话题二
Discussion About the Exercise
I'm Li Hua,(our class had a discussion about the exercise recently).(According to )the discussion, we found that 70% of the students think they should take all kinds of exercise every day but (should )not spend too much time (on it).In their opinion(s),physical exercise can not only keep us healthy but also make our brain relax and help us learn better.But (the rest )of students (are )against them and (said) that doing physical exercise is wasting time.It cannot make us relaxed.(It is too tiring for us )to learn anything.During the exercise,somebody may get injured.So,students in Grade Nine should not do physical exercise,they think.
This is the result of the discussion.Thanks.

Answer 3

How to Stay (Healthy)
If (we) want to (live) a happy life,we have to(own) good health first.Here are some (tips).
First(of all),(we )should eat more healthily.That means (eating) more vegetables and less meat.Then (we) had better (take) some physical exercise (every) day.And of course,it's necessary for (us) to have a good sleep （every）day,because it can make us feel(去掉feel) energetic （the）next day.If （we)'ve got too much pressure,tell (our) friends parents or teathers,and I'm sure they can give (us) some useful advice.
(Finally),(I)hope you can get( good health )and (live)a happy life.
二楼的网友改得应该说非常好了，只是我觉得，你的题目和人称有点问题。中国人写作文爱用第二人称，写英语作文用第一人称比较有说服力.

Answer 4

How to Stay (Healthy)
If (we) want to (live) a happy life,we have to(own) good health first.Here are some (tips).
First(of all),(we )should eat more healthily.That means (eating) more vegetables and less meat.Then (we) had (had改成have)better (take) some physical exercise (every) day.And of course,it's necessary for (us) to have a good sleep （every）day,because it can make us feel(去掉feel) energetic （the）next day.If （we)'ve got too much pressure,（we could在由IF引导的状语从句中，从句可以省略主语，但主句必须有主语）tell (our) friends parents or teathers,and I'm sure they can give (us) some useful advice.
(Finally),(I)hope you can get( good health )and (live)a happy life.
以上两位朋友的回答已经很好了，我仅做一点补充
祝你好运

Answer 5

一：14
二：13