高分悬赏~~~~~~~请大家帮忙改改这篇作文

Question

It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?

In contemporary society, whether young adults should pay a period time for unpaid work of has indeed become a controversial issue that draws ever-increasing concerns among the public. Some argue that community and the young people will profit from it while others do not believe so. For my part, I do think it is necessary to explore this issue from different perspectives and further more shed some personal light.

To start with, it is an undeniable fact that young adults and community can benefit from the unpaid work. In the first place, helping other people in the community can enrich the youngster’s social experience and work experience. More importance, it can promote their physical, mental and emotional development through series of unpaid work. Moreover, as far as community is concerned, the people like senior citizens live in; can receive help in time if they meet difficulty. To illustrate, if an old man is sick severely, the young adults who help in the community can react in due course and then call for the doctor or ambulance.

On the other hand, although undertaking the unpaid work in the community can bring a vast number of benefits, however, some minor defeats cannot be neglected. An argument that can be made in favor of this is that if too many young adults sacrifice themselves into this project, it would also create a situation which is at the expense of the labor poor. In other word, it makes a waste to the labor force. Moreover, as the job is unpaid, consequently it is not suitable for most young people as a full-time job.

In conclusion, based on all the arguments offered above, personally, I am fully convinced that the benefits of young adults undertake a period of unpaid work to the community and young people overweight drawbacks overlooked.

主要就是指出语法错误和用词错误，还有就是评一下分，能不能上5分？谢谢了~

Answer 1

有人建议，所有的年轻的成年人应进行一段时间的无偿工作帮助人们在社区中。它是否带来更多的利益或弊端的社会和年轻人？
在当代社会，无论是年轻的成年人应一段时间的无报酬工作确实已成为一个有争议的问题，吸引越来越多的公众关注。有些人认为，社会和年轻人从中获利，而其他并不这样认为。就我而言，
我不认为有必要探讨这个问题，从不同的角度，进一步更了解一些个人轻。
首先，这是一个不可否认的事实，即年轻的成年人和社会可以受益于无报酬的工作。首先，帮助其他人在社会上可以丰富孩子们的社会经验和工作经验。更重要的，它可以促进其生理，心理和情感的发展，通过一系列的无偿工作。而且，
就社会而言，这样的人生活在长者;可以得到帮助的时候，如果他们满足困难。为了说明，如果一个老人生病严重，年轻的成年人谁帮助社会能够在适当的时候作出反应，然后要求医生或救护车。
另一方面，虽然进行无薪工作在社区能够带来大量的好处，但是，一些小的失败不能忽视。一个论点，即可以支持，这是说，如果太多的年轻人牺牲自己到这个项目中，它也将创造一种情况是在牺牲劳动穷人。换句话说，
它使浪费劳动力。此外，由于工作是无报酬的，因此不适合大多数青年人作为一项全职工作。
最后，根据所有的论点提供了上述情况，本人，我完全相信的好处，年轻的成年人进行的无偿工作期间的社会和青年超重缺点忽视。

这是你写的中文意思,看看有没有什么不对的地方,再做修改

Answer 2

应该有打B等吧！这篇文章好像高二（上册）的《互动英语》里有

Answer 3

写的还可以，有一些小错误，比如：More importance-〉因该是More important所举事例是否考虑用一些更有说服力的。 应该可以上5分。

Answer 4

contemporary society contemporary是同时代的意思，同时代社会好像不太对，用modern society或nowadays更好。
a period time应该是a period of time
will profit profit是指商业上的盈利，这里不合适，应该是benefit
More importance没见过这种说法，应该是More importantly
sacrifice themselves在这个地方用sacrifice不合适，应该是devote
labor poor这种说法你从哪里看到的？

大体上就这些。你这是A类的还是G类的？G类的话勉强可以，A类的话可能不行。有些地方的论述结构不是很清楚，而且文章篇幅有点短，你的论点也很模糊，再加上之前的那些错误，估计在3.5到4.5左右吧。

Answer 5

能的 但是 一看你就使用模版 所以只能在5左右了 很难到6 的 我就是 用了一点模版 结果是5.5